Happy September, friends!

In August, I went on deadline for the first time (for my second book that I hope I get to shout from the rooftops about soon). For (very good!) ~reasons~, I ended up having a pretty tight turnaround for my first round of developmental edits.

It was definitely one of those “do it scared” moments, but I made it through to the other side. Even though there were many a night I was up working till 1am and one bad carpal tunnel episode, I kept pinching myself (in my wrist brace) that this is actually something I get to do with my life.

I rode all the highs and lows of being on deadline, and now that my book has been yeeted back into my editor’s inbox (and I’ve had a few days for my body to crash and come back to life), I’ve been reflecting on the process. I thought I’d take you along with me, if you’re at all interested in venturing into the chaotic turmoil that is my mind 🤪

Imposter Syndrome x1000

The first week of deadline went great - I was doing the thing! I had a plan and it was working! 👍 Then, slowly but surely, Imposter Syndrome slunk into my writing office. And this time, it came back with a vengeance.

While working office jobs, I’ve always managed to hide my imposter syndrome well, faking it like the best of them. But when it’s just you in your pajamas and unwashed hair, going on your twelfth hour of work that day, you have absolutely no one to fake it to.

Thankfully, the compressed timeline of being on deadline actually worked in my favor here. You have no other option but to pull up a chair for your old pal IS and tell it to sit there as quietly as possible and you’ll deal with it later. And then by the time you send that draft back, hopefully you’ll unpeel your eyes from your computer and notice at some point you didn’t even notice IS skulk away.

The Reader Has Entered the Chat

When I first started drafting this book in 2023, I was unagented and had recently left a job I loved in an industry I’d spent a decade in. I had just dove into the world of querying with no real clue how it worked and no writing community yet. Of course I had hopes it would (*gestures vaguely*) all work out, but at that point my writing was intended for no one’s eyes but my own.

Over time, new eyes found it in the form of beta readers, the agent I signed with, and my lovely cohort at the Tin House Workshop. But still, at that point, it was mostly just a book I kept tinkering with.

Flash forward to this spring and my little story SOLD to a DREAM PUBLISHER, and I was very much like 🤯🤯🤯. But what I didn’t realize until I sat down with my edit letter and it smacked me in the face was: this book is mine, but I’m now revising it to eventually let it go. In x amount of time, it will be a book in readers’ hands. And, since this book is YA, I hope it will find its way into teens’ TBR piles and bookshelves.

This realization made me approach my story so much differently than when I originally drafted it (when I still had no idea what it was). No spoilers, but it actually made me rewrite a character in a pretty significant way. I’m not saying you should change your book to write to market or to fulfill assumptions about what you think will make you a bestseller. I absolutely bled myself into this book, and so much of it is a reflection of my chaotic brain and flaws/wounds. But realizing this is now the beginning of a conversation with a reader made me craft and make decisions with so much more intention.

Losing Your Story

At some point in the deadline process, you will lose your story. You’ll wonder where it went, if you’ve butchered it so much it’s unrecognizable and no longer the book your editor wanted when they acquired it. It will suck, you’ll spiral, your family and friends will tell you you’re overthinking it (and rude, even if true), and you’ll walk around in a grumpy funk (sorry to my partner 😂).

Finding Your Story Again

However, you will keep going and keep (probably, most likely, most definitely) messing up your story until you get to the end of your gigantic checklist of revisions. Then you will sit back and read your work from start to finish again and realize—it’s still a book.

Sure, maybe some things need more tweaking, but you finally see the story again and you’re like omg thank god it’s not a mess of 86K random words that make no sense and go nowhere.

Spiralling

I thought I was handling deadline pretty well overall. Until I went to a food festival with my family about halfway through. It was hot and my partner and I were eyeing a vendor that sold drinks in gigantic cute animal cups. When it was our turn to order, the cashier asked, “Which animal would you like?” I stared at the selection of choices and went “oh man, we get to choose?” (I could see the cashier trying their best to hold back an eye roll.) I quickly said “cat” and went to wait in line to pick up my drink. And while I was waiting, I kept staring at the cow cup and going OMG I MADE A MISTAKE I WANTED THE COW MAYBE???? I full on panicked to my partner, who kept assuring me the cat was cute but we could ask about switching to the cow. And I was like BUT MAYBE I DO WANT THE CAT I LITERALLY DO NOT KNOW HELPPPPPP

Later as I was relaxing in the shade drinking peach lemon tea from my cat cup, I realized I’d panicked because my whole day of editing was spent sorting between multiple sets of choices (I could solve a plot hole or amplify a character’s arc by going in x direction or y direction, but not both). One more decision threw me over the edge of the cliff.

I don’t have much advice for how to avoid nearly having a panic attack in the middle of a crowd, but having friends and family who get your eccentricities was so important for me. A few days after cat cup-gate, I messaged my BFF (who is also an author) a wall of text about a change I was panicking over. She very gently told me in the most loving of ways I needed to step away from my computer and take a deep breath. And she was absolutely right 🥲

Hitting Send

I sent my draft back to my editor at 10pm on a Saturday night. My partner cheered for me and asked me what I wanted to do. I immediately curled up in a ball and played silly games on my phone with an episode of Game Changer on in the background. My brain was still racing a mile a minute, and I was terrified I would think of something else I wanted to incorporate into the draft and it being TOO LATE.

After I’d caught up on my sleep, I woke up energized to begin my next project. Despite how intense deadline was, I actually (I PROMISE!) was having the time of my life. Yes, I worked 10-12 hours a day with no day off for an entire month. Yes, I spiraled. Yes, I was unsure if I would finish my draft or if it would finish me. But the me of a year ago would never believe this is what we get to do now. And I know it’s cheesy, but the quote that’s stuck with me the most is that it’s an absolute privilege to be stressed and tired about problems of your own choosing.

Friends and family who have been waiting for me to reappear from my writing cave this past month have asked me how good it feels to be done now. And yes, it does feel good! But I am also genuinely excited to return to my book and deadline cave again soon. Though I will go soak up some of the last rays of summer now and touch some grass too.

Thank you for following me along on this journey. I hope you all have fantastic Septembers (SOUP SEASON IS COMING SOON, Y’ALL!), and I’ll see you again in October! xx

-Julie